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Weakend News

7:39 am EST

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14 April 2024

internet scapegoat

Paralyzed Man Still On Hook for Family’s Internet And Printer Woes

“Because I signed up for Internet, theoretically, Every service interruption can be traced back to me”

Though he hasn’t touched a router, printer or any computing device in over 6 years, Treg Charlton is on the hot seat any time a family-member experiences a momentary Internet outage – or heaven forbid – their Epson printer should fail to respond instantly.

The irony isn’t lost on Charlton, who feels he’s a convenient scapegoat due to his inability to speak. “When I signed up for Internet service from Time Warner in 2012, I could still talk to technicians and my wife to resolve issues. I admit, I initially assumed I was doing everyone a favor by signing up for Internet service. I was naive. I had no way to know I could permanently ruin people’s lives by signing up for a service that is only 98% reliable. I also incorrectly assumed there was a reasonable statute of limitations on blame.”

Internet dummy
Internet Dummy: Treg Charlton claims his inability to move or speak makes him an easy target for complaints normal people would direct at the actual Internet service provider.

“Over the years, I tried to make up for my idiocy by ensuring my family always had the latest, greatest iPhones. But of course, that’s just a different can of worms (requiring them to transfer settings and saved information to their new phones). Dealing with Apple makes all of us want to smash each other with hammers. Paralyzed people are particularly vulnerable to Apple iOS-induced violence, due to their inherent lack of mobility.

For more information on how Apple’s two-factor authentication makes paralyzed people’s lives even shittier, Subscribe to ALSBros.com.

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