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13 April 2024

“Hey, Ointment Man!” Community Rallies Around Disabled Man Who Only Says ‘Ointment’

Neurologist: “No reasonable explanation Why Anyone Would only Be able to say Ointment”

Treg Charlton, of Chagrin Falls, is always amazed by the gracious reception he receives whenever he rolls into town. Charlton, who was stricken with ALS ten years ago, said children shout things like, ‘Aye, it’s the Ointment Man!’ or ‘Get after it, Big O!‘ “Sometimes when adults aren’t around, teens aren’t as encouraging. Last week, the produce kid at Heinen’s saw me and said, ‘Well, well, well. If it isn’t ‘Ointment boy.’ You want a zucchini, you big, greasy, Ointment-covered (f-word)?‘ I refused to dignify his slur with a response, but thankfully my wife overheard and assaulted him. She’s very protective. I like that.”

According to Mia Charlton, 17, her Dad is probably just saying ‘ointment’ to aggravate her Mother, Dianne. “His great passion is passive-aggressive antagonism. He has time to conjure up gags and takes pride in his ability to let a joke play itself out. He once spent three months growing out a single fingernail in total secrecy. When Mom finally realized his pinky-nail was pointy and almost an inch long, she called him out. As planned, he told her he only did it ‘so he could snort coke with her friends.’ She doesn’t know anyone who does cocaine, so yeah, she was pretty ticked off.”

Mia Charlton finds Ointment Man's Stash
“Sweet Moons of Uranus! That’s a lotta ointment!” exclaims Mia Charlton, a junior at Chagrin Falls High with a 3.98 gpa. She added, “My Dad used to work for CVS/pharmacy. He always reminds cashiers of this and badgers them about his 35% employee discount on CVS-branded ointments and lotions. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.”

There are some things science can’t explain, doctors say. “Mr. Charlton hadn’t spoken a word in over a year. Then, he wakes up one day and starts saying ointment? I call bullsh*t,” says Charlton’s primary care physician, Christopher Young.” I’ve known Treg for 40 years. Clearly, this some kind of a joke.”

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