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Weakend News

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Insightful | Refreshing | Possibly true

14 April 2024


Paralyzed, Non-Verbal Man Looking To Hire Lifelike dummy to sit motionless in corner at Various Holiday Functions

Live or animatronic Dummy. No experience necessary; $15/hr; opportunity For advancement

Are you the weak, silent-type? Already paralyzed? Or maybe just a solid listener who is able to survive up to 6 hours on two cheese-cubes? If so, an exciting and highly-secretive opportunity awaits…

An anonymous, 54 year-old social-engineering hobbyist with ALS is looking to hire a qualified surrogate to attend various events over the holidays in the Greater Cleveland area.

Applicant/s should be:

  • Neatly-groomed
  • Able to sit 6 consecutive hours without moving or speaking
  • Casually attired
  • Out-of-box thinker, content with keeping ideas to self
  • Affable
  • Willing to abstain from defecating during shift
  • Any race, but morbidly pale
  • Okay with contracting Covid-19
ALS Bros | Treg blur
Anonymous: Authentic Man with ALS
ALS Bros | Dummy by bed sq
Plant? Imposter Faking ALS

Applicant must remain poised and sober, even while those around you have a spectacular time. Candidates will sign oath acknowledging the ‘obvious out’ (requesting tequila shots and blacking out) is unavailable to you, as medicated ALS patients cannot process alcohol. This should go without saying, but the right hire will resist every opportunity to engage in intercourse while on the job.

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